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COHN: Do-it-yourself column for another Raiders loss

Same story, same outcome; fans don't need much help explaining things

Raiders wide receiver Juron Criner fumbles the ball as he is hit by Browns linebacker Kaluka Maiava during the second quarter.

CHRISTOPHER CHUNG / THE PRESS DEMOCRAT
Published: Sunday, December 2, 2012 at 3:00 a.m.
Last Modified: Sunday, December 2, 2012 at 10:16 p.m.

OAKLAND - The (choose an adjective) Oakland Raiders lost again on Sunday.

They were defeated by (name an opponent).

They lost by a score of (fill in the score.)

By losing, they now have lost (fill in the appropriate number) times in a row.

They got off to a slow start, not unusual for them. They have gotten off to slow starts (fill in a number) times this season.

The (horde, smattering, paucity — choose the correct word) of fans, started booing the hometown team (in the first, second or third quarter — choose the correct quarter.)

The fans started fleeing the Coliseum and the stands were almost empty by the (choose a quarter.)

Seeing the deserted stands, the seagulls started taking over the stadium by the (choose a number)-minute mark of the fourth quarter.

The Raiders have been eliminated from the playoffs (choose a number) seasons in a row.

Richard Seymour did not play and that makes (choose a number) games he has missed this season, and no one noticed.

The Raiders gave up (choose a number) yards rushing. Hint: the number is not infinity, but it's close.

The Raiders missed (choose a number) easy tackles because of (bad technique, they are horrible athletes, they couldn't care less — choose a reason.)

One extraordinary moment in an otherwise un-extraordinary game was when Sebastian Janikowski missed a desperation field goal attempt from (51, 61, 71 — choose a number) yards.

Carson Palmer threw the usual (mind-numbing, completely unexplainable, just plain bad — chose a description) pick in the fourth quarter with the Raiders driving and in position to take the lead. He threw the obligatory interception with (select the correct time) left on the play clock.

Soon after that, (name the Raiders defender) missed a tackle against (name the opposing receiver) who caught the ball and ran for 23 yards to the Raiders' 19-yard line.

Three plays later, (name the Raiders defender) was called for (name the penalty) and that put the ball at the Raiders' 5-yard line.

(Name the opponent) took the ball in for a touchdown two plays later to put away the game.

That final scoring drive by the opponent covered a (whopping, mind-blowing, inexcusable — choose a description) (74, 84, 94 yards — choose the yardage).

The Raiders mounted a (fruitless, completely off-the-point, wasted late drive — choose the correct description) when it scored a TD which no longer mattered.

After the Raiders' final (see above for correct verbiage) touchdown, putting the Raiders down by only three points, it was revealed that Raiders coach Dennis Allen had mismanaged the clock at the end of the game to give the Raiders (a minute, 30 seconds, one measly second) to try an onsides kick and get back the ball and score a touchdown and perform a miracle which (obviously, for sure, as usual) did not work.

After the game, Allen met the media to explain what happened in the loss. He now has engaged in this after-a-loss discussion (insert the correct number) times this season.

Allen said “We've got to go back to work,” or “We'll keep grinding,” or variations of that theme (four, five, six) times in his postgame remarks.

(Choose a number) sportswriters (fell asleep, developed acute narcolepsy, fell into comas — choose the appropriate condition) while Allen spoke.

The Raiders postgame locker room was almost completely deserted within (insert a number) minutes, and that set a land-speed record of (escapability, speechlessness, acute embarrassment) in (California, all of the Americas, the entire world — choose a place.)

Allen is getting on thinner and thinner ice. If he does not turn this thing around fast, he could be one of many Raiders coaches summarily fired, and he would be replaced by (fill in a name).

For more on the world of sports in general and the Bay Area in particular, go to the Cohn Zohn at cohn.blogs.pressdemocrat.com. You can reach Staff Columnist Lowell Cohn at lowell.cohn@pressdemocrat.com.

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